


Hot Chocolate Ice Cream

by crackficswithfriends



Series: crack (the whip) [1]
Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, M/M, roommate au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 01:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10232702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackficswithfriends/pseuds/crackficswithfriends
Summary: Maybe if Near hadn't pulled that shit with the toaster, this wouldn't have happened.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ash and gary wrote this one together!

Roommate AU where they have a prank war. Mello and Near 

Near- A smol sheep detective who is sassy AF

Mello- Emo Yuri without skates. BETTER FASHION. 

 

Mello was just trying to be emo in peace when his toaster exploded.

 

“What the fuck? Near, what did you do to our fucking toaster?” 

 

“I didn’t do anything, shut up.” 

 

“Yes you fucking did, you fuck, own up to it, bitch.”

 

“Calm down, alright. I /DIDN’T/ fuck up our toaster okay.” 

 

Mello remained unconvinced. “Fuck you,” he said. “I’m gonna put your ice cream in the oven.”

 

Near froze instantly, “Bitch.” 

 

Mello turned to face him. “I’ll do it. Fucking try me.”

 

“Do it, and I’ll throw your chocolate out. All of it.” 

 

“I’ll just kill you, then.”

 

“It’ll be worth it. Fuck you.” 

 

Mello studied him very carefully. “Fuck me?”

 

“If you insist.” 

 

Mello was like the Mr Krabs meme. “Okay, but the toaster? What the fuck? Clean up your goddamn mess. A man who cleans is hot, I guess.”

 

Near considered it for a minute before nodding, “Yeah, alright.” 

 

“I’ll still put your ice cream in the oven, though,” Mello said. “Don’t fucking doubt me.”

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Near rolled his eyes. What a bitch. 

 

“And you can’t throw away my chocolate,” Mello continued, “because I hid it all. I’m not stupid, dumbass.”

 

“How is that fair, you fucker?” 

 

“How is  _ what  _ fair?” Mello made a face at him. “You’re a Bad™.” 

 

“Did you just say ™ aloud? You meme loving fuck.” 

 

Mello pulled out his phone and played Mmm Whatcha Say. “Ohh, you got me. Unbelievable. Just fucking shoot me next time.”

 

“Is that your kink? Your kinks are getting out of control, Mello.” 

 

Mello narrowed his eyes. “Bitch, you fucking set a toaster on fire and then asked to fuck me.”

 

“I didn’t set it on fire, you fuck head! And you asked me to fuck you after, so stop alright.” 

 

Mello shrugged. “Still lit, though.”

 

Near rolled his eyes. Why does he put up with this? Fuck that dude alright. 

 

“Okay, okay,” Mello said. “I have a fucking great idea. Please leave the room for two seconds.”

 

“Uhm. Oh shit. Alrighty.” Near turned, walked out of the door, and slammed it. 

 

Mello watched him go, then made his way to the freezer.  _ Good shit _ , he thought to himself. The best shit. Iconic™ shit.

 

He dug out Near’s beloved ice cream stash and a bowl, putting a few scoops of the chocolate (GOOD shit) in the bowl and pushing it into the microwave for thirty seconds.

 

“Hey, Near!” he yelled. “C’mere!” 

 

Near slowly walked in the room, worried about what he’d find. What the actual fuck was going on? 

 

Mello did a Will Smith pose in the direction of the microwave. “Hot, isn’t it?”

 

“... Did you just refer to a microwave as hot?” Near asked. “Seriously, calm your kinks thanks.” 

 

Mello hummed. “The things you can put in there.” He turned and pulled open the door. “However,” he said grandly, “that’s not what I meant. I meant  _ this _ .” He pulled out the bowl of melted ice cream.

 

Near covered his mouth, letting out an ungodly screech, “MELLO WHAT THE FUCK?” 

 

“Okay, calm your shit,” Mello said. “Look, I pour this on you, then lick it off. Win-win, right?”

 

“What? No? What the fuck?” He was still talking extremely loudly, “I am not turned on by ice cream. Like, okay, are you turned on by chocolate?” 

 

Mello stared at him. “What do you mean? Of course I am. Also, memes.”

 

Near stared at him silently for a long moment. “What?’ 

 

“Yikes,” Mello said, setting the bowl down. “This is awkward. Can I still do it, though?”

 

“I mean, yeah, but like, it isn’t hot right?” 

 

“I can put it in the microwave a little longer until it is,” Mello offered.

 

“No thanks, I’m good.” 

 

Mello pouted. “Fine. Get out of my fucking kitchen, asshole.”

 

“Dude, what the hell? I agreed to go with your weird ass kink, and then you pull this shit?” Near turned, walking out, then yelled, “Fuck you. You can lick hot chocolate ice cream off yourself.” 

 

Mello faced the bowl of ice cream dejectedly. Kink shamed again… Why did this always happen to him? Chocolate, memes, and leather were perfectly acceptable kinks. Better than--what? A fucking microwave kink, but--wait.  _ Fuck _ . Near probably though  _ he  _ had a microwave kink. Shit.

 

He scowled into the ice cream. Fucking life-ruiner, really. It had seemed like a good idea before, but now…

 

Then again… Well, Near was gone now, and he was feeling pretty emo, so.

  
Finally, he could be emo in peace. Albeit a little turned on, but mostly emo. Fucking Near.


End file.
